Comics

(some adult and ethnic content - rated Queen 18)

Since April-2003

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Tired Of Bird Shit On Your Car?

Michael Jackson Trial Video - Very Funny

Jokes

A beautiful woman is in a nightclub. She goes up to the bar and gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over to her immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers; and, when he does, she begins to gently caress the back of his neck.

"Are you the manager?" she asks softly, stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no"  the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"  she says, running her hands beyond his face and through his hair.

"I can't do that,"  breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slowly slides two of her fingers into his mouth allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?"  the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!!  What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?  I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

GENERIC NAMES

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name
and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol
also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen.
Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called
ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud,
dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a "real one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
 
"I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids."

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," the young woman said.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.

"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.

"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear
a "redneck" joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know
something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me
is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs.
and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by
side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all,
said:

"So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice
safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of
rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the
tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done.
"Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task wasto go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job,she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly cameover to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to holdsix cups of coffee?" The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos,hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It lookslike about six cups to me.""Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular,two black, and two decaf."

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them

new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly : "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some

change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliff's edge. As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, "Oh, my God, Clem, we're gonna die!"
"Aw, don't worry about a thing," Clem reassured him, looking below. "There's a stop sign at the bottom."

The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.

 
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.

 
"Ain't no fuckin' fire," replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, "but who the hell would've rescued me if I'd yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!'?"

 One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite."

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that viagra."

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."

The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

One day a blonde named Susan came outside to check her mail. She opened the mailbox looked inside an started thumping her feet on the ground and screaming! The next door neighboor watched her. In a few hours, Susan came outside to check her mail again, when she looked inside she started screaming again. The neighboor watched her. The next day, Susan once again started a fit when she checked her mailbox. The next-door neighboor came up to Susan and asked.

"Why do you start a fit every time you check your mailbox?"

"Who ever said computers were smart? I was working on my computer, and it said 'You've got mail!'"